For the first time in a long time I felt deeply understood

Names: Meltem & Hakan

Status: Married

Been together since: 1996

 

We didn’t even notice each other for three years…

Meltem: Hakan and I met in Ankara, Turkey, as we were both singers in a choir. We were both in committed relationships with other people at the time so we hardly even noticed each other for three whole years.

As fate would have it, our relationships eventually came to an end and, just like that, we were both suddenly single. I guess that was when the wheels of destiny were subtly set in motion as situations started to change which gently forced us into each other’s line of vision.

The main thing that happened which slowly caused us to get to know each other better was me moving houses and ending up living really close to Hakan’s place. Many people in our choir carpooled and Hakan was the person who kindly dropped everyone off in my new neighborhood after singing practice, so I was now in his car regularly.

Inevitably, the more time we spent together, the more I got to know him. Saying that though, I definitely did not think of him as a life partner! In fact, I remember one particular instance when a bunch of us were having some beers and I caught myself thinking, “Gosh, I don’t think I could ever marry a guy like him.” Little did I know!

Hakan: One day I ended up inviting her and a friend of hers over for some seafood at my place. The funny thing is, it was actually her friend that I was interested in. By the end of the evening, I still didn’t see Meltem as anything more than a friend. The other girl, however, I had definitely eliminated as a potential love interest.

Soon after, Meltem returned the invite by asking me to come over for coffee as I was always giving her a lift her home. 

And that’s the day when quite unexpectedly our love story began.

Meltem: It was the day before New Year’s Eve. Hakan joined myself and my flat mates for coffee at my place in the afternoon.

He was having his coffee and the conversation was getting deeper and deeper.

The hours were ticking away very quickly. We started getting hungry and noticed that it was almost time for dinner.

I asked him if he would like to stay for dinner and he said yes so we cooked and had a nice meal.

I used to like drinking gin-Fantas after dinner back then, so I asked him if he would like one too and he said yes once again. He wasn’t saying no to anything at all that night.

The night carried on and we were talking and talking, we just couldn’t stop. Meanwhile, we were having one drink after another and he ended up getting very drunk! 

Hakan: I got very, very drunk, so drunk that the whole room started spinning. I still cringe at the memory to this day, but I actually threw up that night. It was so embarrassing. I wasn’t used to drinking so much.

Meltem: It still didn’t stop us from talking. Eventually, the sun started to make its way over the horizon yet we were still deep in conversation. 

That was the night that something changed within me and my perception of him shifted completely. See, I’d always wanted to be with someone that I could share everything with, someone who really got me, but I had been increasingly disheartened over the years thinking there was no one like that out there for me. But that night, for the first time in a long time, I felt deeply understood. This was something new, something incredibly refreshing.

Are we more than friends?

Hakan: The next morning we decided that we would forget about that night… but I couldn’t forget anything. 

I called her.

I wanted to see her again.

Meltem:  Our choir was having a New Year’s Eve party that night. He called me and suggested that we go together. It was my turn to say yes and off we went.

The trend continued—Hakan was always calling me and asking me out. He wanted to take me out to the movies or to go get something to eat… but we were officially still just ‘hanging out’. We still didn’t call ourselves a couple at that point and there was no talk of a relationship or love but it was very obvious that we were getting along particularly well.

Hakan: Meanwhile, prior to all this, there had actually been another girl that I’d been flirting with. I’d been courting her and working on setting up the foundation of a relationship for a while and things were looking good. She happened to be away in Istanbul for the new year term break but she was to return soon and I was pretty sure we were going to officially become a couple… it was exactly at that point when, completely out of the blue, things had developed with Meltem.

Meltem: Meanwhile, I’d been relishing in my newfound liberation as I’d just gotten out of a very long relationship three months prior. I’d had a few platonic interactions, some innocent flirting and crushes brewing here and there. 

Hakan and I had openly discussed the people who were interested in us. We both knew that there were many other paths we could take that would lead us away from one another. But we continued hanging out with each other.

Soon though, the situation increasingly started to feel a little too blurry for me. I felt we needed to clarify what was going on between us, so I spoke to him about it.

I told him we were either friends or we were more than friends. We had to define what we were and act accordingly. It wasn’t a problem either way, but we were neither here nor there at the moment and they gray area simply needed to be clarified so we both knew where we stood.

I told him to take his time and think about it. If he wished to be with the other person who was about to return to Ankara, that was also absolutely fine with me—he just needed to sort out what was in his heart, decide, and let me know.

Writing a love letter

Hakan: And then she wrote me a letter.

Meltem: Oh, how that letter came into being was actually very interesting, very surreal.

See, by this time everything about Hakan—his thoughts, his ways, his intelligence—had made quite an impression on me and I was very moved on all levels by him.

I was at work one day. It was my lunch break and I was not in my office. Out of the blue, a voice inside me told me to write him a letter and I was suddenly possessed by a very strong burst of energy at this thought. I literally flew up ten flights of stairs and was back at my desk in a flash. I got my pen and paper and just starting writing.

I started pouring out everything that was in my heart—what an effect he’d had on me, how this whole encounter had made me feel—everything!

The strangest thing was, it felt like the pen was moving on its own. My hand felt like it had been possessed by an unseen force and the words didn’t feel like they were coming from me, but were instead being channeled from somewhere beyond my conscious self.

Hakan: She’d written that she wasn’t sure she would even give me that letter. She had also confessed that she’d never felt this way before and didn’t quite know how to handle it. It wasn’t a cheesy declaration of love but a very articulate expression of what this ongoing encounter with me had awakened within her.

Meltem: There was no ulterior motive behind it—I was just auto-writing whatever was coming out. I finally did end up giving him the letter and I think it actually struck a chord somewhere deep within him.

Hakan: It surely did—it blew my mind! Having awakened these deep emotions in a woman was a very special feeling. I was in awe of how us spending time together had generated this kind of energy which in turn had given rise to her wanting to have a relationship with me.

The fact that she had so courageously opened up to me also had a strong impact on me. It was like a dream come true, to be wanted this earnestly and wholeheartedly by her. Saying that, her letter wasn’t a demanding letter by any means—she’d just shared what was in her heart. It was a spontaneous, open declaration and it had thoroughly touched my heart.

Meanwhile, the other girl in Istanbul was still in the picture. I knew if I was going to be getting into anything with Meltem I had to resolve that situation first. 

Things were also confusing on a practical level as this other girl in Istanbul was also called Meltem, as was my ex-girlfriend that I’d recently broken up with. And now with my new love-interest Meltem, there were three Meltems in my heart-circle at that point. These were pre-cellphone days so imagine the confusion when I used to come home and my mother said, “Meltem called.”

Making the decision to commit

Hakan: To get some clarity on my thoughts and feelings, I decided to ask my friend, also called Hakan, for his advice. He knew both myself as well as Meltem quite well so he was a great person to consult.

By the time I finished telling him about my dilemma he said, “Just listen to yourself! Listen to all the things you’ve been saying about her. Why do you even think that you need advice? Your feelings are crystal clear. And you know what? I know you and I know her—you guys will probably end up getting married!”

It was so simple and so true—everything had been crystal clear all along but I just hadn’t been able to see it.

Meltem: We spoke the next day and finally made it official—we were a couple now! I’d even quit smoking the day before as I knew he hated smoking. So this decision had already served a very good double-purpose.

Hakan: Just then, the other Meltem returned from term break.

Meltem: Hakan had invited her to join our choir before all this had happened, so she showed up at our rehearsal that evening. We even ended up having to sit next to each other as there were no other seats available. I remember side-glancing at her secretly to size her up and thinking, “Hmmm, well, she isn’t all that.”

Hakan: It was a very strange situation—there they were side-by-side right in front of me—the Meltem who was supposed to become my girlfriend and the Meltem who had actually ended up becoming my girlfriend.

Meltem: When the rehearsal was over, we even had to climb into his car together to carpool. Hakan first dropped me off and then went to have something to eat with the other Meltem.

Hakan: I told her we needed to talk and then I told her absolutely everything—how I’d had all these feelings for her and was going to open up to her on her return from term break and how things had very unexpectedly unfolded with someone else while she was away. I also shared that I felt pretty awful about this turn of events and that I hoped she understood and was okay with it. 

At first, she was taken aback and fell silent. 

Finally she found her voice and said, “I’d like to thank you for your honesty.” She said she wasn’t used to a man being so forthcoming with the truth and that she really appreciated it.

Needless to say, she never attended the choir again.

An epiphany that changed our destiny

Meltem: And thus our journey together began. 

A few months later we were about to go on a holiday.

To be honest, it hadn’t been a very easy start that we’d had and there were a few issues I’d had with Hakan that were weighing heavily on my mind. In fact, these issues were so serious that I’d pretty much decided that I was going to break up with him after we returned from our trip. Meanwhile, I hadn’t discussed any of this with him so for the time being it was a burden I had to bear alone and in silence.

Feeling-wise, I wasn’t madly in love with him at that point but it was clear to me that we were very well suited and experiencing relationship that made sense, fueled by logic. Still, there was something about him that compelled me and I was very much drawn to him.

Off we went on holiday.

That’s when the weirdest thing happened and it was to completely change the trajectory of our relationship. 

I can’t call it anything other than an epiphany as what I saw was a vision that existed only in my mind’s eye. 

I saw a very bright road ahead and heard a voice in my head telling me that I needed to go down this road with this man by my side. 

It was completely beyond my control, a purely intuitive thought I was receiving from God knows where, showing me that I had a predestined journey ahead of me with Hakan.

It was because of that vision that I changed my mind and we remained together and here we are today.

Solidifying our foundations and getting married

Meltem: We’d both had our share of relationships in the past and felt our experiences had elevated us to a different level of maturity. Wanting to infuse this into our relationship, we made a sincere pledge to be very honest with each other, to always speak up and share our feelings. There were to be no secrets. And this is exactly how we moved forward. 

Hakan: That was a terribly busy period in my life. Work wise, I had a full time job and was doing translations on the side. I also made sure to not neglect my passion so I continued being an active member in the choir as well as singing in a rock band. I guess all this impressed her. 

But then my military service came along. Now, that wasn’t too impressive.

Meltem: Still, we did our best to try to make it work. Some time into his service, Hakan had a few days off and we took this opportunity to go to a truly magical place in Turkey called Cappadocia. This place is well known for many beautiful things, including its locally produced clay pots and amphoras. 

When we got there, we were blown away by the beauty of this art. There was one particular amphora that we came across which we both fell in love with. 

When we looked at the price tag, we realized that the only way we would be able to afford this magnificent piece was to share the cost and buy it together. 

It might have seemed a simple decision to take—sharing the cost of a piece of art that we both loved so we could own it—but whenever we look back at that moment, we always say that that was the moment we’d both subconsciously decided that we would be getting married. 

We still have that amphora and the sentimental value it holds for us is immeasurable.

Hakan: Doing my military service was difficult since it was so restrictive in a practical sense, but we were really quite lucky as I ended up being posted to Ankara and we were allowed visitors on weekends. Meltem would make her way down to see me, fully equipped with delicious food that she’d cooked herself, and we’d spend the weekend together.

I eventually got posted to Istanbul to complete the remaining part of my military service but I don’t think I even spent a single minute in town despite being there for so long since every spare moment I had, I would rush to Ankara to be with Meltem.

Meltem: A few months after we’d made the subconscious decision to get married, we took the official decision to get married.

Hakan: We actually got married while I was still doing my military service. 

What advice do you have for anyone who is looking for love?

Meltem: Although I believe in destiny, I also believe that one should visualize exactly the type of person they would like to share their lives with—their personality, the way they look, everything. They should leave absolutely nothing out and this person will definitely show up. I had a very clear idea about exactly what kind of person I wanted to be with, as well as what I didn’t want, since I was a little girl in fact, and Hakan showed up.

Hakan: Personally, I always had this rule: I would never date a girl that I wouldn’t consider marrying and I never, ever did. I did meet some ladies along the way who were interested in me but I knew the outcome of those relationships would not be marriage so I never pursued them.

So, one should really know what kind of person they want and only approach people that check the boxes. Ponder about who you wish to share your life with and go after that with focus. Don’t knock on the wrong door.

It was always very important to me to have a girl who was intelligent, who had self-respect and a good sense of herself. I mindfully kept my focus on that and never veered off that vision.

What advice do you have for couples going through a hard time?

Meltem: Patience is very important, as is always really trying to understand where the other person’s coming from. Always explore every single route to try to solve a problem. You can’t afford to have any prejudices at this point so put them away and discuss things openly and honestly. Be open to getting professional help if other options are failing. 

And if none of this works and there really seems to be no way out, especially if you don’t have any children, then perhaps it’s best not to push it too much.

Hakan: It is also important to define what a hard time may mean: Is there any abuse going on? This could be verbal or physical abuse. Because then it’s a whole different ball game. 

However, if there’s nothing severe such as abuse, then take a very good look at yourself for the sake of the good days you had. Be objective and brutally honest with yourself first before you go and blame the other person. Talk to each other about what they might have done and how this has affected you but note that an open and non-critical approach is essential here.

You need to have a clean head as well as a clean heart. Stay away from ego, negative energy, jealousy and unnecessary power struggles.

On top of this, one should always try their best to add to the good days that are had, to add to the joy.

One thing I have learnt about love is…

Meltem: If passionate love turns into love-love in time, it is a blessed thing. When this love is coupled with deep friendship and you feel your partner is someone you can rely on with your eyes closed, then this is a wonderful thing and it all comes together. This is a very special place to be.

Hakan: Love is a chemical explosion by nature that burns with passion for quite a while. I mean, we can’t even tolerate ourselves most of the time, imagine tolerating another person for life! This requires some good wizardry and a very effective magic potion. And this is what passionate love provides—oxytocin and serotonin, these are the culprits. 

That passionate, crazy side of love will calm down, this is a chemical inevitability, but the love that remains— that love is the one you have to use to build your foundation upon and you should always strive to continue building on it. Then you never take the other person for granted.

To strengthen your bond, you always have to put in the effort, practice kindness and approach problems with good intentions.

The most important thing I reckon though is being able to have the will and desire to perpetuate that feeling of connectedness, of bonding. Loneliness is a terrible, painful thing. It is very special for someone to find an outlet for their feelings through the existence of another person. Being able to feel connected on a soul level to someone is a rare and quite a special thing to find.

This is a way to get closer to the divine: through love. 

We are all one in this world. 

All of existence stems from a single root.

Love is freedom.

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